Yo mama so dumb, she sits on the television and watches the sofa.

What did one nut say to the other?

n

- Look at that dick in the middle!

Knock KnockWho's there?Holly!Holly who?Hollylujah!

Listening to the Democrat’s response after President Bush’s State of the Union address, I heard every negative thing except, “Surrender Dorothy!”

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ´Cause I´m Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won´t Go Away?
4. I Can´t Get Over You, So Why Don´t You Get Under Me?
5. I Don´t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin´ I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim´s Gettin´ Better
11. I Wouldn´t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I´m Afraid She´d Win
12. I´ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let´s Honeymoon Tonite
13. I´m So Miserable Without You, It´s Like Having You Here
14. I´ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I´d Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There´s A Fly On Papa´s Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don´t Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You´re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

You're a redneck if.... You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Q. If one Mexican is playing basketball with another Mexican, what is it colled?

n

A. Juan on Juan

yo mamma so fat and ugly she plays in dynotopia......... and she is all the dinosaurs

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.

n

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you
can hear again."

n

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.Man: And the bad news?Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Knock KnockWho's there?Clarence!Clarence who?Clarence sale!

You know you're approaching 30 when...

n

You leave gigs before the encore to 'beat the rush'.

n

You own a lawnmower.

n

You stop dreaming of becoming a professional sports player and start dreaming of having a son who might become one instead.

n

Before throwing the local paper away you look through the property section.

n

Before going out anywhere you ask what the parking is like.

n

Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

n

You buy your first T-shirt without any writing on it.

n

Instead of laughing at the Innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money-saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench, not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

n

You start to worry about your parents' health.

n

You complain that Ecstasy's 'not what it used to be' because you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and, anyway, you might look a bit of a twat.

n

Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between $200 and $300.

n

You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

n

All pop music starts to sound questionable.

n

You opt for Pizza Haven over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and, anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of House white.

n

You become powerless to resist the lure of assemble-it-yourself furniture.

n

You always have enough milk in the house.

n

To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

n

The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

n

You go out of your way to pick up a color chart from Guthrie Bowron.

n

You wish you had a shed.

n

You have a shed.

n

You actually find yourself saying, 'They don't make 'em like that any more' and, 'I remember when there were only three TV channels' and, 'Of course, in my day.'

n

Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

n

When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

n

You make an effort to be in and out of the local Indian restaurant by 11 pm.

The Tao doesn't take sides;
It gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
She welcomes both hackers and users.

n

The Tao is like a stack:
The data changes but not the structure.
The more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
The more you talk of it, the less you understand.

n

Hold on to the root.

Q. Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? A. He was dead!!!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"

n

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."

n

"How much do you charge?"

n

"A hundred dollars per visit."

n

"I`ll sleep on it," said Shakey.

n

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

n

"Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

n

"For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

n

"Is that so! How?"

n

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"