Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mortimor!
Mortimor who?
Mortimor that meets the eye!

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mozart!
Mozart who?
Mozart is in museums!

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mr!
Mr who!
Missed her at the bus stop!

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin the matter with me, how about you?

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin grouchy first thing in the morning!

Q: Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?
A: Hell was full.

What Makes 100%??? What is 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

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If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:

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1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

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Then:

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H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

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and

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K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

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But,

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A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

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and,

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B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

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And look how far ass-kissing will take you.:

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A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

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So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass-kissing will put you over the top!!!

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping
of a particular food.

What is the left side of an apple?The part that you don't eat.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer

mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in a bucket,
everytime it got out the dog tried to....

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lick its face! (if u dont get it your an idiot)

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?Because it wasn't raining!

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

˝Sixty is the worst age to be,˝ announced the 60 year old. ˝You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!˝

˝Ah, that´s nothing,˝ said the 60 year old. ˝When you´re 70, you can´t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !˝

˝Actually,˝ said the eighty year old, ˝Eighty is the worst age of all.˝
˝Do you have trouble peeing too?˝, asked the sixty year old.
˝No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.˝

˝Do you have trouble taking a crap?˝, asked the 70 year old.
˝No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.˝

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, ˝Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o´clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What´s so tough about being eighty?˝

To which the eighty year old replied - ˝I don´t wake up until ten!˝

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.

There is nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured by cosmetic surgery.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked
him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is
old enough to get a straight answer.

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He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The
father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom
told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

what does a blond and a dore got in coman

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they boath git slamed a lot

Knock KnockWho's there !Bo !Bo who ?Bo Geste !

The Joys of Horse-riding by Jim Kama