A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

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"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

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"Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered.

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"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

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He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"

Knock KnockWho's there?Desi!Desi who?Desi'gnated hitter!

Yo Mamas so fat, they had to change, "One Size Fits All," to "One Size Fits Most!"

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished. 1st Child: Why are you crying now? 2nd Child: I have come for my urine test

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

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The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"Use this one - You can't lose it!"

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His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.

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If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

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Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

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The man replies, "I found it."

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(Think about it... it'll come to you :)

I have two friends in North Georgia named LeRoy and Bubba. Last October
they went down to Athens to see a football game, and during the halftime
activities, they noticed UGA, the canine mascot of the Bulldog team, licking
his privates on the fifty yard line.

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"Damn, Bubba, I wish I could do that!" LeRoy said.

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Bubba cried, "Fool! That dog would bite your head off!"

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said ˝DON´T WALK˝.

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

A soldier came back home from the army and found three kids in the house.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Well, when you were leaving for the army, remember? I was pregnant. So, here
is Kolya. Then remember, when I came to visit you in the garrison? So, here is
Katya."
"Yes. But who is the third? The third!"
"What do you want from him? The kid is sitting quietly, so let him sit in
peace!"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

What do they say about the noise at the Burger Land Super Bowl?It''s PAN-demonium!

Knock KnockWho's there !Beryl !Beryl who ?Beryl of beer !

What hired killer never goes to jail?The exterminator.

There were three police men in a car, one redneck and two city guys.

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"you never tell jokes" said one of city guy.

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"so"said the the redneck

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"why"

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"because i was never at telling jokes and making one up"

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"Try to make somethig up"

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"ok"
"Knock, knock."

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"Who is there"

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"Go fuck yourself"

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The two men in the back seat di no get it while the redneck sat there driving and cracking up.

The Army announced this week they are now training mine-sniffing dogs to go to Iraq.

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How bad do you have to screw up at obedience school to get that job?

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-Jay Leno

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

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The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

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The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

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The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

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The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

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The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

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Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

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All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

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So the rectum closed up.

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After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

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The moral of the story?

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You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!