Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Knock KnockWho's there !Aardvark !Aardvark who ?Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles !

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None. That's what research students are for.

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

A couple of farmers were walking back across the fields after a boozy lunch at the local when they spotted a lamb caught fast in the fence.

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Ahrr, Jem, I could wish that was Anna Kournikova stuck in that fence like that," chortled one.

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Jem replied "Well, I'm just wishing it was dark".

Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un d?a enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: "C?mo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo."

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Entonces tuvo una idea. Al d?a siguiente la maestra empez? a tocar las cabezas de los ni?os y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando lleg? a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclam?:

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"?Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!"

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.

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As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, "Okay, everybody, we're going to rape all the men and rob all the women!"

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Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, "ah, Jessie, don't you mean we're going to rob all the men and rape all the women?"

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With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says...
"Listen, you heard Jessie...he's the boss!"

A truck driver was driving down a road when he saw a sign that read low bridge. Next thing the driver knows is that he was stuck under the bridge. Traffic was backed up for miles.

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A police officer finally makes his way to the truck and says with his hands on his hips, "Got stuck, huh?"

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The driver replied, "No, I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas."

Why do Iraqis only have 2 pallbearers at their funerals?
Becasue garbage cans only have 2 handles.

What is the definition of "making love"?

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Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
French flies.

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What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
Poloroids.

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What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

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What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
A south paw.

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What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
Chicken of the sea.

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What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

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What do you call a transvestite cow?
A Dairy Queen.

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What do you call Eskimo cows?
Eskimoos.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
A quackintosh.

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What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?His sister was using the toilet.

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

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After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

A nun walks into a liquor store and says, "Give me a pint of brandy."

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The guy says, "Sister, I've never sold alcohol to a nun."

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She says, "It's for the Mother Superior, she's constipated."

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So he sells it to her. Later that night, he walks out, and there's the nun on the stoop, with the empty bottle, drunk as a skunk, singing and laughing.

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He says, "Sister, for shame. You told me the bottle was for the Mother Superior's constipation."

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The nun says, "It is. She's constipated, and when she sees me, she's gonna shit."

A stripper, in a hurry to get home, leaves the club with nothing
on but a loose coat.

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As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the
corner, hits the stripper, sending her flying through the air,
to land unconscious on her back, with her pussy exposed for all
to see.

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As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat over the
stripper's crotch so as to minimize her exposure.

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In the meantime, the drunk driver, hardly even aware he just hit
someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.
Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he
points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud
voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta
there!"

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.