A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

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The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

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The husband asks: "Did we break that too?"
"Yes", replies the man.

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"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.

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"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"

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The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer."
"Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.

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"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life."
"Poof! you get a million bucks a week", the genie announces.

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"Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband.
"For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie.

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"Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead."

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So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you known your husband?"
"Ten years," she replies.
"How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

Una maestra llev? a sus alumnos al zool?gico; cuando se detuvieron enfrente de la jaula del chango, vieron que ?ste se met?a semillas por el culo antes de com?rselas. La maestra, muy enojada, va a reclamarle al director del zool?gico:

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"??igame imb?cil, el simio degenerado que tienen se mete las semillas por el culo y luego se las come! ?Qu? no se da cuenta que esa es muy mala imagen para los ni?os?"

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"Disc?lpeme se?ora, pero si usted estuviera en el lugar del chango har?a exactamente lo mismo".

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"?Mire tarado, yo no soy as? de cochina! ?Por qu? dice que har?a lo mismo?"

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"Hace dos meses un grupo de ni?os vino al zool?gico y le tiraron al mono un mango... ?el pendejo se lo comi? entero y despu?s lo tuvimos que operar del culo porque no le pod?a salir el hueso del mango!"

A man begins work at a lumberjack camp that is miles from
nowhere. After a long day of hard work the lumberjacks all sat
down to eat dinner together. The new guy was startled to hear
monstrous farts coming from all directions. BOOOOM went one.
THRBLPPPFFFFF went another. Soon the new guy felt the urge to
let one out himself.

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Amidst the loud sounds from all around him came his ppffhht. The
room got deathly quiet and everyone started looking around at
each other. The head lumberjack got up from his chair and got up
on the table. He pulled his axe out and pounded it into the
dinner table and said, "Down boys, the virgin is mine!"

Q What did one sperm cell say to the other sperm cell?

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A. Last one there gets a rotten egg!

A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.

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When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

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When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, "What are you doing? Swallowing them?"

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The man replied sarcastically, "No, I'm shoving them up my arse!!!"

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area - Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him.

The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money? ". The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, "What the fuck is this?"

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said, "Do you know how to read sign language?"

The man said, " No, but I'll find someone who can. ".

He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

"Well," says Mr. Big, "What did he say?"
She says he said, "Fuck You! ".

Mr. Big replied, "You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you."

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money " and the man again replied in sign language. "

What did he say this time? ", asked Mr. Big.
He said " Fuck You, again ".

With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!".

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language.

" Well ", asked Mr. Big," What did he say this time? ".
She replied " He said Fuck You! ".

You'll never be the man your mother was.

A husband buys his wife flowers for for the first time in their married life, and she is so excited she grabs him by the hand, pulls him up the stairs, strips lies on the bed with her legs wide open, and says darling this is for the flowers. and he replies dont be silly you must have a vase somewhere!

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said ˝DON´T WALK˝.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn´t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can´t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn´t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw ˝911˝ on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

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The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"

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The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"

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Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administration foul up, Clinton were sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. The
Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the paperwork,
called the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error was acknowledged. The
Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem.

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The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-bye, and he began
his journey to heaven. Along the way, he met Clinton, who was on his way down.
They stopped to chat.

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The Pope said, "Sorry about the mix-up. By the time you get to hell, it's
really too late to save any souls."

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Clinton replied, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more familiar company down
below, anyway."

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The Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."

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"Why's that?" Clinton asked.

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"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope replied.

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"Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."

A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.
The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.

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"No" replied the blind man, " I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it".He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.

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The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.

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The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.

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The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.

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Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.

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Thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.

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The blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, "You almost fooled me, but that's a shit house door off of a fishing boat."

Knock KnockWho's there !Bruce !Bruce who ?I Bruce easily, don't hit me !

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"Blind man!"The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.