There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border...a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, 'I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.' To this, the Scot says 'I am a sheep herder. My dad's a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms'... 'FOOM!' all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms. The Englishman was amazed. He said 'I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out'... 'FOOM!!' there was a wall around England. The Welshman says 'Tell me more about this wall.' The genie says 'Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.' After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says 'Fill it with water.'

WHy did the Chicken cross the riad??? Because he felt like it..

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?Yes - here's a kite!

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Why was the frog down in the mouth ?He was un hoppy !

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

A young married woman was once in a terrible accident, and though her life was not in danger, the skin of her face was severely burned.

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The doctor told her husband that they would have to do a skin graft, but they could not graft any skin from her own body because she was too thin and her skin was dry.

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So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

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However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

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The husband and wife agreed to the graft, and that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

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After the surgery was completed, and the woman healed, everyone was astounded at her beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before with her lovely, soft skin.

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All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her new youthful beauty! One night, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

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She said, ?Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.?

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?My darling,? he replied, ?I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!?

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Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo, Curtis and Tantilazing

A blind guy walks into a bar. He orders up a drink, and says,
"Hey, anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

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The lady next to him says in a gruff voice, "Just for your
information, I'm a blonde kick-boxer, the lady next to me is a
blonde champion knife-thrower, the next blonde lady is a black
belt in tai-kwon-do, the next blonde lady has two handguns, and
the bartender is a blonde too!! Do you still want to tell that
joke??"

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The blind guy sighs and says," I guess not... I have to leave in
a min., and I don't have enough time to repeat the joke 5 times."

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

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SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

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THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

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THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

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"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

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A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

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THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

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THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

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SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.

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THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

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THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX!

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Submitted by NCrespi
Edited by Curtis and Yisman

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to rob a bank one day. After doing this the cops were right on their tails. The redhead sees a boat and says to the others " hey lets hop in this boat and go to that island out there!" The others agree.
When they reach the island they see the cops doing the same and heading for the island. The blonde sees some crates and gets in one. The other do the same. The cops reach the island and go up to the crates. they knock on the first which was were the brunette was "woof woof" says the brunette. just a dog say the cops. they move on. the second contained the redhead when they knock they hear "meow meow". just a cat say the cops. they move on. the third of coarse contained the blonde. they knock and the blonde shouts POTATOES!!!!!!

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

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Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

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A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

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Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

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Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

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And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

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To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

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That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Un tipo entra a un bar y le dice a la cantinera, "?Oye, culo gordo, traeme una cerveza!"

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Ella responde, "?C?mo me llamaste?"

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"Ya o?ste, dije: culo gordo, traeme una cerveza."

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La cantinera decide que no va a soportar ese tipo de trato y hace que lo echen del bar.

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La noche siguiente el tipo entra al mismo bar y le dice a la misma cantinera, "?Oye tetitas, traeme una cerveza!"

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Entonces ella le dice que no va a soportar ese trato y que ser? mejor que se comporte o lo echan del bar otra vez.

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El tipo dice, "Est? bien, ?podr?as por favor servirme una cerveza?"

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M?s tranquila, la mujer le sirve la cerveza y le pregunta, "?Realmente piensas que mis senos son peque?os?"

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"S?, pero tengo una soluci?n para ti. Todo lo que tienes que hacer es tomar un rollo de papel higi?nico y frotarte con ?l entre las tetitas."

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"?Y crees que eso funcione?"

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"Te funcion? para tu culo gordo, ?no?"

One Alabama neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, last night I saw you f**king your wife."

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Joe responds, "The joke's on you Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

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Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!"

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Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."

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"Oh," replied the old guy, "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife."

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"Your wife is named 'Crisco?"'

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"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

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"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

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"Lard Ass!"

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Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

Did you hear about the man with five keen senses?He still lacked common and horse!