I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can lose weight!

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two."No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked."Yeah! That''s a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner,
while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into
the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible
scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as
she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God
will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you
support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this,
and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will
provide.

n

Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So,
how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, the
good news is, he thinks I am God!"

Q: Why were blondes created?

n

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to
leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

n

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

n

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

n

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

n

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

n

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

n

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

n

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

your momma breath so stink ,it brought the world to an end.

Knock KnockWho's there !B-4 !B-4 who ?B-4 I freeze to death, please open this door !

Knock KnockWho's there ?Chef !Chef who ?Chef Bridges !

Why do they put the soap detergaint Joy on the top shelf?

n

So that you jump for Joy.

Jesus was taking his turn at the Pearly Gates. Looking along the queue of people waiting to enter he spotted an old man who looked familiar. When the old man got to the front of the queue Jesus was sure that he recognized him.

n

"Occupation?" said Jesus.

n

"Carpenter." replied the old man.

n

"Err. Did you have a son who appeared under amazing circumstances?" asked Jesus.

n

"Why yes!" said the old man.

n

Getting excited Jesus asked "Did your son have holes in his hands and feet?"

n

"That's right.", said the old man, "He did."

n

With delight Jesus exclaimed, "Father!"

n

Puzzled the old man replied, "Pinochio?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down
the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an
hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins
to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her
that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is
thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend
are trapped in the car.

n

"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He
points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your
snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers
herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she
arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help!
My boyfriend's stuck!"

n

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

how do you diciplie a blind kid?.......................

n

You move the furniture around.

Draft The Bush Twins

n

Don't Mess With Mesopotamia

n

War Is SO 20th Century

n

When Bush Comes To Shove

n

Brains Not Bombs

n

War Is A Dick Thing, Peace Is A Heart Thing

n

George Dubya: Weapon Of Mass Distraction

n

Beat The Bushes For Peace

n

Weapons Of Mass Destruction: Look Under The Bushes

n

Drop Bush, Not Bombs

n

Bombing For Peace Is Like F*cking For Virginity

n

Evolve! Work For A Non-violent Future

n

If War Is The Answer, We're Asking The Wrong Question

n

Killing Innocent People Is The Problem, Not The Solution

n

Save America, Spare Iraq, Make Texas Take Him Back

n

Real Patriots Drive Hybrids

n

Drop Names, Not Bombs

n

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

n

Stop Mad Cowboy Disease

n

George Bush Couldn't Run A Laundromat

n

Bush Is A Servant Of Sauron. We Hates Him!

n

Make Love, Not W

n

There Is No Path To Peace - Peace IS The Path

n

Justice, Or Just Us?

n

Sorry, Dubya - Have A Pretzel Instead

n

Pretzel - It Does A Country Good

n

Tame The Tyrant In The Mirror, Then The One In Iraq

n

Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld: Axis Of Weasel

n

Go Solar, Not Ballistic

n

Faster Trains, Not Planes

n

Nonviolence, Not Nonexistence

n

A Village In Texas Has Lost Its Idiot

n

How Many Lives Per Gallon?

n

Make Alternative Energy, Not War

n

How Did Our Oil Get Under Their Soil?

n

Out Beyond Ideas Of Right Doing And Wrong Doing There Is A
Field. I Will Meet You There. - Rumi

n

Regime Change Begins At Home

n

More MPGs, Fewer MIAs

n

Put The Peace Back In

n

No Hitting (held by young girl)

n

No Oilgarchy (Oilgarchy in circle with slash across it)

n

God Does Not Bless Only America

n

Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood

n

Has Anyone Seen Our Constitution Lately?

n

What If God Blesses Iraq?

n

Born To Kill, Born To Drill

n

Let's Try Preemptive Peace

n

Our Grief Is Not A Cry For War

n

Books, Not Bombs

n

If You Are Not Outraged, You Are Not Paying Attention

n

Bush Is A Moron: Don't Let Him Get His War On

n

Make Soup, Not War

n

Honk If You're A Terrorist

n

Smart Bombs Don't Justify Dumb Leaders

n

We Have Guided Missiles And Misguided Men

n

Who's The Unelected Tyrant With The Bomb?

n

Peaceful Solution, Not Daddy's Retribution

n

Make Tea, Not War

n

All Humanity Is Downwind

n

My President Is A Psychopath

n

Relax, George

n

Fight Plaque, not Iraq! (and the guy was carrying a toothbrush).

n

The only bush i trust is my own!

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.

Dad: "You're always asking questions. I'd like to know what would have
happened if I'd asked as many questions when I was a boy."
Son: "Maybe you'd have been able to answer some of mine today?.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."