Se cae la barda que divide el cielo del infierno. Y empiezan a discutir el diablo y San Pedro acerca de qui?n debe de reparar el da?o. Al no ponerse de acuerdo, el diablo le propone a San Pedro que consulten con sus respectivos abogados y se vean en 2 horas. El diablo llega muy puntual y San Pedro no aparece hasta como 8 horas despu?s. El diablo lo aborda impaciente y le dice:

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"Oye Pedro mis equipo de abogados dice que t? tienes que pagar."

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A lo que San Pedro responde:

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"Pues me ganaste porque en cielo no encontr? un solo abogado. ?T? los tienes todos!"

This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all
she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

There are a bunch of blondes in a bar and they are having a good time. One of the blondes suddenly shouts out "Drinks on me!!" Surprised, the bartender asks "What is the occasion?" The blonde replies, "We completed a puzzle in four weeks and is says on the box '5-6 years.'"

Yo mama so fat that she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

You might be a redneck if...

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When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

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Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

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You own more than two clappers.

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You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

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You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

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Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

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You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

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You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

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You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

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Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

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The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

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The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

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Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

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Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

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Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

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Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

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City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

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You think Tang is in the fruit group.

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You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.

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You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog.Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.

Una monja va a visitar a un familiar en una ciudad vecina cuando su coche de descompone en plena carretera. Entonces, un chofer de cami?n se ofrece a llevarla a la ciudad. Despu?s de un rato, el chofer empieza a acariciar los muslos de la monja.

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Ella dice solamente: "Mateo 1:13".

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El ch?fer retira la mano y sigue conduciendo. Despu?s de un rato trata de nuevo, pero la monja solamente dice: "Mateo 1:13".

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Finalmente llegan a su destino y la monja baja y el ch?fer contin?a su camino hasta llegar a un hotel donde se hospeda. En la habitaci?n, encuentra una biblia y lee Mateo 1:13 que dice:"Est?s en el camino correcto."

Why did the little girl burry her flashlight?

Because the batteries died.

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one
day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and
says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using
your bra." He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and
grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't
have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while
his wife plots her revenge.

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The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his
penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep
sleeping with your brother."

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, ˝Brrr!˝.

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, ˝Listen, if you ever do that again I´ll cut yer balls off!˝

The gremlin says, ˝Ain´t got none!˝ ˝Well, I´ll cut off yer prick!˝ ˝Ain´t got one of them, neither.˝ says the gremlin.

˝Well, how do ya pee?˝

The gremlin smiled and said, ˝Brrr!˝

Mom: No, No, Kayanne! Don't poke your fingers in the meat!

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Kayanne: But it's fun mommy!

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Dad: She's 5, she reads well, and knows 100 times 100, but doesn't know better than to poke holes in meat that is at the store.

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Mom: Where did you get this idea, Kay?

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Kayanne: A comic strip! Why, mommy?

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Mom & Dad: Kids!

What's the difference between an itch and an allergy?

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- A $100 office visit.

Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers!

Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars.Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.