What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!

A bloke in a bar downs a couple of beers, and the blond
bartender informs him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you
remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If
you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells
the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of
whether his customers have paid.

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The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take
your word for it."

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Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar
and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender
leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here
tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to
get punched right in the nose."

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"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Your mom has one arm and she swims in circles

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

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"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.

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"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Three guys walk into a stripper bar, a dentist, a lawyer and a banker.

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The stripper walks out and starts shaking her butt in the dentist's face.
He takes a twenty from his wallet, licks it, and slaps it on her right butt
cheek.

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Then the stripper goes to the lawyer and shakes her butt in his face.
He takes out a twenty, licks
it, and slaps it on her left butt cheek.

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Finally, the striper goes to the banker and shakes her butt in his face.
He sits there and thinks for a minute, then he grabs his wallet, takes out
his atm card, slits it down the crack of her butt and takes both twenties.

What did the doe say upon exiting the woods?

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"I'll never do that for a buck again."

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Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?

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A. It chips their teeth.

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

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She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.
"No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!"

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"You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds.
"No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky."
"You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns.

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"Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks.
The mother is about to lose her patience.
"Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

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"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

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"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister
lawyer?

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"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

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"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the
ugly women I've slept with ?"

Yo' mama so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said ?sex,?
she wrote ?not lately.?

Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says ˝Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!˝

If Cray ran Christmas...The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.

So Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

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GEORGE W BUSH

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We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.

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COLIN POWELL

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Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

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DONALD RUMSFELD

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I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.

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HANS BLIX

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We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

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JOHN KERRY

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Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

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RALPH NADER

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The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

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PAT BUCHANAN

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To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

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RUSH LIMBAUGH

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I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.

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MARTHA STEWART

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No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

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DR SEUSS

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Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

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ERNEST HEMINGWAY

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To die in the rain. Alone.

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MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

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I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

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GRANDPA

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In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

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BARBARA WALTERS

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Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

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JOHN LENNON

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Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

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ARISTOTLE

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It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

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KARL MARX

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It was a historic inevitability.

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CAPTAIN KIRK

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To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

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SIGMOND FREUD

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The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

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BILL GATES

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I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

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ALBERT EINSTEIN

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Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

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BILL CLINTON

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I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

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AL GORE

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That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.

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COLONEL SANDERS

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Did I miss one?

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Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.